Bad Advice, or Successfully Unfulfilled.

Yesterday I treated several people with a common theme.  A common irony exists in most people I meet.  First, they underestimate their own abilities.  Second, they contrastingly over-commit themselves to helping others.  One wonders how these two things can coexist together.  How can one underestimate oneself while simultaneously over-committing? 

Simple.  Most people commit to things in which their hearts are not set.  They have no faith or deep-seated need to accomplish these things.  In fact, they often agree to accomplish things which they “think,” or “believe” they must do.  Or, they try to fulfill someone else’s ideal of what a person “ought to do.”  Yet these ideas come from some nonexistent place.  I shall explain. 

More often than not when a person is young, he or she is subjected to a variety of conflicting advice and guidance.  In fact, very little of it merits any value for the listener.  Most of it falls into the category of an elder or self-proclaimed elder, trying to convince someone younger, of the elder’s value or nobility.  In reality nothing sublime can be found. 

Thus we receive two kinds of advice.  One seeks to feed the ego of the speaker.  It seeks to make the recreate the youth in terms of what the older person wishes he himself was.  The rarest type hopes to inform.  When we get older, we must remove the first type of indoctrination.  It is the hardest to remove. 

For we do not even know that this poor guidance has embedded itself in our psyches like viruses or parasites which feed the perpetrators of it.  We only discover this information through inference; by watching how the things we claim are dearest to us make us feel.  An example helps here. 

Imagine that you have sought to teach disabled children your entire career.  Yet somehow you are continually sick and horrendously ill.  Being a fairly enlightened person you surrender and renounce all other attachments in your life.  Your diet is impeccable, fitness plan unimpeachable.  No relationships, physical or emotional, impede your commitments to your children. 

But sick you remain.  Eventually, you age faster than your years only to watch those less self-sacrificing grow more beautiful and happier.  How could it be that one as noble as you could suffer so greatly?  At first it is a sign of your nobility.  You wear your pharmaceutical and medical records with pride.  Even you crumble from the onslaught though when you receive a diagnosis of Fibromyalgyia-or bucket of symptoms with no clear cure. 

There is no way your healthy diet with incredible immune boosters could reach such depths of illness; one with no real explanation or cause.  Finally the universe makes you surrender your flock.  The special education cases are divided up into different classes and you are bedridden.  While in bed, a matriarchal relative visits you. 

Instead of spending time on healing you or your illness with love or concern, she only remarks on the “poor children,” about how she “wishes you would get better so that you could help them.”  Something finally cracks and breaks.  You scream, “The children, the children?  I have surrendered everything I ever wanted to help these ill children, and now instead of 120 ill children, we have 121 counting me!” 

You wish no ill will, but it finally dawns upon you that you were not serving what you loved or dreamed of, you were serving someone else’s idea of what you loved or dreamed of.  It was true that you loved children and dreamed of serving them, but it was your OWN children that you lived to serve.  You always wanted a family.  It was this relative who never had your opportunities and was an old widow that encouraged you upon HER path. 

That is right, her advice was to be what she dreamed of becoming.  In fact, she never served sick or ill children either.  It turns out that her son was placed into a home for those who needed assisted living and that this woman always regretted it.  Your life was spent fulfilling another’s unfulfilled dreams.  Now you are old and have fewer options than you once did. 

Yet life is never really over.  Options always exist to fulfill your desires in one way or another.  You remember this true advice given from a real elder.  A grandmother once advised you that life was short, and although there are many ways to serve the world, that the best way is to fulfill your greatest dream.  By doing so you show the world what beauty truly is.  It is not about stepping over bodies to reach success, but about making something beautiful inside and out. 

And beauty is the greatest oblation to humanity, the universe, and God.  It inspires and uplifts.  Unhappy or ill service only shows people that what you think of as noble leads to pain and untimely death.  While loving work illustrates the greatest example of fulfillment one could ask.  In simple words, a great friend once advised me “Never stay together for the kids in an untenable and unhappy marriage.  If you do, they learn that that is what love is and you perpetuate unhappiness upon them and your progeny.” 

You nurse your way back to health on your deep insurance and IRAs.  During this time you discover an ability to paint which you combine with all of your teaching certificates.  You become an art therapist, helping recover other over-worked and ill veterans from our society.  Eventually you meet eligible men with children and still hope to have your own someday.  Now your diet and fitness plans truly payoff.  Nothing is wasted on your quest. 

Not everyone has to wait for such extreme object lessons.  You can see it in obesity and inflammation throughout or society.  We and our children try forever to be something their not.  Some even achieve this illusion only to feel further alienated.  What do you do when you reach everything you were taught to aspire to and you are horribly unfulfilled?  This usually deepens depression, for which we further medicate, burying the issues even farther down then they already existed. 

After reaching the point of successfully unfulfilled, I sought a solution to the internal dilemma without food or drugs.  I had been overweight, addicted, and depressed before in my life.  I needed no more obsessions.  I had already served in deep religious capacity and in the military.  Neither gave me my answer, though they did illustrate my capabilities quite well. 

What I found was my journey.  Find your own.  By yourself, or with the help of others such as myself who have tried to cut a swath through the jungle of illusion in this glamorous world.

Even a god finds it difficult to love and to be wise at the same time

amare et saper vix deo conceditur
Even a god finds it difficult to love and to be wise at the same time. 

People often ask me if a realized soul or self-master feels any pain once enlightenment is reached.  Sankara is quoted as saying that a normal person cannot tell the difference between a wandering idiot and realized soul as their outward appearances are so similar.  What separates the two is the inner life. 

For the idiot, life is a series of disconnected events.  He experiences the oceans of fate as a piece of driftwood whilst the self-master as a lifeboat of awareness in all seas.  To him it is a dance of light and shimmering on the waters of a dynamic show.  Sometimes he rises with the current and other times he remains steady. 

Again, to the uninitiated observer, both appear to ride the currents.  The one focused on the external life only sees the result-life riding the waves.  While the one with the right sight, a Seeker of Truth, he sees the difference and aspires to mastery of the inner faculties of experience. 

So, in answer to the query at the open of this piece, yes, the self-master feels pain.  He or she knows all of the feelings of any other human being.  The difference between the master and the bulk of humanity is that he knows that his eternal nature never changes.  Feelings cross the awareness like images on a movie screen. 

Thus the key is to feel love at these moments, or more specifically, to feel that union of eternal peace.  Some experience this feeling only during love-making, others in gazing at a beautiful object.  In this universe of endless duality, yin and yang, positive and negative, up and down, divine sexual union is the goal. 

This is not just the physical act of joining another, but the union of two opposing polarities.  One can experience it whenever one dances the perfect paradox of difference.  Phrasing here hints at the methods.  Dance.  The uninitiated fights, the initiated dances. 

Imagine the melee of two drunken brawlers.  Now see the interplay of two aikido masters.  They are wholly different engagements.  This analogy cascades throughout the sensory world.  Two greasy bodies bumping after a night of drunken revelry versus a husband and wife caressing each other in the moonlight on the sand of an endless beach. 

Choose your fate.  Be wise and love.  Dance the seas of fate, 

Gouthum

The intensity of a feeling is not equal to its value

Some things which you feel extremely intensely have little objective value.  For example, hitting your finger full force with a hammer has significantly more intensity than a wayward chastisement of your child.  In value however, the latter carries much greater repercussions. 

Like a dog, there are many times in my life where I have chased the strongest scent.  Imagine your family pooch when it knocks over the garbage.  This refuse naturally carries the rankest substances in the house.  He then proceeds to drag the items everywhere until he paws the offending target into oblivion. 

In this same way, I spent much of my youth finding the nastiest situations from which to learn my way.  These grueling ordeals taught me strong lessons.  And like the smells they metaphorically parallel, they had staying power.  But after a certain level of education, your senses become more refined.  You can no longer tolerate such extremes. 

At this time I had to learn how to discern between which lessons had only intense odors and which had intense messages.  One way I learned to do this is by measuring the effect of the lessons on those involved.  Drug and alcohol addiction for example are extremely intense lessons in both value and stench.  Each takes one into the pit of refuse. 

Yet once they are learned, obsession takes a different form.  It may be sports, or sex, or gambling.  It may be food, or even cleanliness.  Each time you master one level of obsession, your senses refine themselves to discover subtler cues.  Speech itself takes lifetimes to master.  We spend years on crafting its nuances. 

Consistent with the model mentioned above, you can easily see the affect of unrefined speech on its hearers.  Learn to speak well, and you have learned a powerful lesson.  Fail to do so, and feel its wrath.  Poor communication will hinder its possessor worse off than body odor or even intolerable ugliness. 

Thus, effect on self and others is a legitimate measure of the value of a lesson.  When you find yourself obsessing over the rankest smelling experience in your memory, try to see if it merits all of that effort.  Likely if you are reading this blog, there are other items which promise greater returns on less “SENSE-sational” effort.

Emotional Survival Guide

Any healer or treatment professional has to deal with issues of transferrance and projection.  These generally refer to the specialist receiving or sending emotions to the client, respectively. 

In plain terms, we have a tendency to project our perspectives onto the client, or to take their perspective home with us.  Both lead to disaster.  When we take the issues home we sabotage our own lives while rendering ourselves incapable of treating the client. 

Contrastingly, we also fail to treat when we project our feelings and ideas onto clients.  Both situations result in ill health for the client and the professional. 

Empaths are a specific breed of healer and can be found in many modalities, nursing, psychaiatry, psychology, medical intuition, acupuncture, vibrational medicine, you name it.  Their gift consists of the ability to sense of feel their targets emotions. 

This forte, I inherited from both my mother and father; who are in fact, Medical Doctors.  She a psychaiatrist, and he, a surgeon.  It enables me to feel nearly anyone’s emotions.  More often than not I can target or block the sensations.  In extreme cases I can do neither. 

For example, this blog has been unwritten for several days because I am in a custody dispute.  Because of the intensity of feelings in this situation, I have little ability to block the ill will being sent towards me.  Thus I employ “The Method.” 

Everyone can benefit from this method.  It enables one to recognize, feel, and release emotions.  When an individual does this, they carry little or no resentments.  Its steps are: 

1. Feel

2.  Communicate

3. Transmute

4. Release

 

1. Feel your emotions.

2. Communicate them out loud.

3. Transmute them into growth oriented experiences.(Instead of growth limiting ones)

4. Release them to the outside world.

 

An example helps as always: 

Bob has resented his father for nearly twenty years.  Robert Senior was a self-made man, The Ball Bearing King of Humbertville.  He wanted his son to aspire to a greater life.  Thus, the universe gave the King a highly intelligent son of a more delicate nature. 

This son had an intellect of such refinement that he taught himself chess at a young age.  Furthermore, he excelled in school, including art and music.  Yet Big Bob did not appreciate it.  In fact, whenver Little Bob did better in school, he was chastised by the Big Man. 

Thus, the son began to get into trouble for being “too rough,” or arguing with teachers.  Ironically, this behavior earned further criticism from his father.  Bob had no idea what to do.  Eventually he joined the Army at 17 and left home. 

When he returned, his father gave scant praise and hinted that he should have stayed home to become the Ball Bearing Prince.  At this, Bob fumed.  You mean the ball bearing itself crushed under your machining!  He did not return until his father fell sick many years later. 

At this time his close friend from the Army had shared with him The Method. Bob’s friend said that if you do not release your feelings in the present, they haunt you forever.  Because Jr. had his father’s courage and his mother’s intellect, he learned the Method. 

When he finally met with his father, he asked if he could share something.  His father had worked himself nearly to death at the ball bearing plant.  And he was too tired to interrrupt.  So Bob began to share. 

“Father I have always loved you.” 

“I know son, there is no need to say it.’ 

“Yes in fact Pa, there is.  I need to share my feelings now.  They are not facts, but feelings.  They can be neither delegitemized nor explained away.  I ask you to promise listen to what I have felt and not interrupt.” 

His father nodded. 

“Pa, all you ever asked for me was to live a better life than you, to build upon your legacy.” 

“Yes son, I—“ 

“Please Dad, no interruptions, I need toget this out.  I have gained top marks in every course I have taken in the Army and beforehand.  My education has taken me all over the world and to some top universities.  Yet never have you even said good job to me.  Whenever I asked for praise directly, you would say that ‘it does not need to be said’ line.” 

“If it means so little, why was it so hard to say?  Even worse, you would criticize me, or talk about how hard it was to work at the plant that YOU BUILT.  Pa, you asked the universe for a great son to exceed your legacy.  This I am, and have become.  I am about to embark upon my leadership career, hitting general over thousands of men far earlier than the 400 you lead today.” 

“HEY WAIT A MIN— !” 

“Pa, I am no longer a boy, and I must continue.  Listen.  I am that son that you have asked for.  Because of, and despite you, I exceed your legacy and that of grandpa.  Thank you father, and I offer my encouragement to you at the end of this phase of your life.   

I dedicate our successes and failures to each other.  Your harshness has taught me many things.  What not to do, yes.  And what to do, even more.  My son learns from my hard example how to work hard, and how to build something which adds to the world in a lasting way. 

But I also never forget that he is not me.  I encourage him to exceed my legacy in SUBTLETY and STYLE.   I NEVER neglect to recognize and appreciate his strengths, while managing and disciplining our weaknesses.  He is oftentimes more you than I.  He would rather build then plan, drive than fly.  Together we make him into his own legacy. 

So I thank you father for what lesssons your provided, in your neglect, and in your attention.” 

At this point both he and his father bawled.  Silent streaming tears swept their faces.  After an indeterminate amount of time his father spoke: 

“Son, I know that I have been unfairly hard on you, and too easy on your sisters.  There are many reasons for this, most off the my own shortcomings.  In these past several weeks in the hospital I have had much time to reflect.  To my shame it has not all been fair to you. 

Yet to your credit, it now reflects well on both of us.  The truth is son, you intimitdated me.  I did not know what to do with what God had given me.  Many other parents resorted to medications and other such nonsense.  I could never do that to my flesh and blood.  So instead I beat you in the ways that I knew. 

I was not taught how to raise a General, only a Colonel.  The latter stays on the ground in the dirt while the former rises above.  You have shown us both that it is possilble and I thank you for that.  I cannot say that I am sorry for what I have done to you, as I am too old for that. 

I am what I am, and I make no apologies.  You knew this about me long before you came in.  What I can say, is that I am proud of you.  I hope that you remember too though, that part of your courage comes from my stubborness in riding you.  We can be Jackasses we two.  Don’t forget that!” In the above example, Bob Jr.had to make peace with his feelings over many years.  While in the Army he felt his emotions in the quiet cold of the night.  He would shout them at the unverse as he tackled one obstacle after the next.  This way, he transmuted what he felt was abuse into motivation.  He released as much as he could until no resentment remained, only sorrow or pity. 

When the time came to visit his father, he prepared to share the Method.  Once there, he explained that these were feelings, not opinions or facts.  They are somhow more real and less negotiable than facts.  Even then, they hold less solidity than opinions. 

Feelings exist in an entirely watery area of flexibility and flow.  They must be allowed to flow, or they create blockages, illnesses, and resistance.  This resistance can manifest as dogma and even war-internally as cancer, externally as combat.  I have tested this method in many situations for myself, my family and my clients.  It works. 

Feel your feelings, communicate them, transmute them, and relesase them. 

 

Discomfort is the Mother of All Philosophy

First off, I started with an unhappiness.  Swami Krishananda a genius by all accounts says it well, “Discomfort is the mother of all philosophy.”  I go further to say that discomfort is the mother of all progress.  Some say war is the goad of technical progress.  Physical pain begets technical progress, emotional pain spawns spiritual and philosophical progress. 

Naturally in the society I was born to, the child of a phenomenal child and adolescent psychiatrist, I tried the physical to solve the emotional first.  I was given a diagnosis and medication to match my discomfort. You have Minimal Brain Dysfunction son, and this pill will help you to concentrate. 

Of course no American boy, or any boy for that matter, wants to believe he needs pills because his brain does not work.  Furthermore, all tests showed me well into the genius range.  Yet how was it that I had a “chemical imbalance.”  So I took pills sometimes. 

All colors, shapes, sizes and times.  Morning for one, maybe evening for another.  Yeah, none of them helped.  Not to mention I would never believe that I needed medication.  My issue was inability to communicate.  In my heart I knew I was right in the way that all mavericks know that they are. 

So I set about changing the world.  I was going to make it safe and efficient for people like me.  Those who knew the answer yet could not make others understand.  These early attempts did nothing other than punish me.  My teachers never thanked me for correcting their grammar, or pointing out the logical inconsistencies in their reasoning. 

No matter, God would accept me, church would.  Besides, my parents told me that they could not prove the existence of God, so that they could not answer my questions about God.  So I went to talk to the religious.  The
USA was Christian, so I talked to followers of Christ. 

Phew.  This was no better than school.  In fact, it was far worse.  In school, the teacher rarely contradicted me when I kindly pointed out her error.  She just turned red and this vein popped out on her temple.  Then I thought it was a sign of concentration.  Although this is true, it is a specific type of concentration. 

It is concentrating on controlling one’s throbbing popping frustration.  Or, in simple words, it was anger.  Nonetheless, she would consequently tell me to sit down regardless of my eloquence and generosity with my intellect.  Sometimes I even got to leave class, though I learned this was a bad thing. 

In church, the instructors inevitably tried to say that their illogic was faith.  I thought to myself, “Hmph, not being able to explain something that sounds good but is unproveable equals faith.”  I decided to try it at school. 

On my next exam, which happened to be spelling.  As usual I did not study, and as usual my grade was in the top range.  One thing was different this time.  When I was given the test to correct my errors and resubmit, I just wrote that it is faith that I believe that my spelling is the more accurate and the phonetic one, in fact, it is a better explanation than the one the book gives.  The book gives none. 

This did not go over well.  My instructor informed me, I wish I could say kindly, that faith is for religion, not classwork.  If I wanted to exercise faith, I ought to have faith in the teacher that she is right.  Here more insight found me.  So, faith is believing in the story an adult says is the better one. 

Uh-oh.  Now I have a real conundrum.  I decided to test it on my mother.  She worked most of the time, so I did not bring these questions to her in a blasé fashion.  I made sure to marshal my points, plan my approach, engineer fallbacks to resistance and bulwarks of support. 

My mom came home from work that night and asked me, how did school go.  I told her that I got sent to the principal again for arguing with the teacher.  She narrowed her eyes and wrinkled her forehead.  I sensed a dazzling display of elegance.  Mom was about to assist me. 

Before I continue, I ought to explain that assistance in my family might mean something different than in yours.  For most families, assistance makes your load lighter immediately.  Your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, or parents, help you to carry your heavy load.  How nice. 

In my family assistance means that my load gets heavier now and lighter later.  To a child, this means that assistance makes things heavier and heavier.  So before she could render her help, or more accurately, render the fat off of my ignorance, I interrupted.  Here I was and am spoiled by her. 

She always allowed me to present my case.  It was required of me to present reasoning to the best of my ability at all times.  Here is the case.  I said, “Mom, have faith in me, I know what I am doing.   I am finding the truth.”  This produced a quizzical look. 

My mother rarely did anything in contrast with her steady nature.  Even though she raised her voice quite a bit, let’s face it, she screamed at us, she always did it in a consistent manner.  Thus, quizzical, is a good result.  I have said something intriguing.  I may yet get a reprieve.  No assistance may be necessary-please, please, please. 

What I did not know, was that mom was preparing to discuss two delicate concepts which I had so deliberately dropped.  Faith, and Truth.  A pistol shot cracked somewhere in the annals of my ancestral memory.  This generation’s heat had begun.  The first leg of the only race I would ever really run began. 

“What do you mean by truth, Gouthum?” 

“I mean mom, that which is always so everywhere.”  Okay she nodded. 

“No what do you mean by Faith?”  Ooohhhh.  Here is the tough one. 

“The missionaries you let me talk to said that faith is knowing that what God says is true, without being able to prove it.” 

She paused and took a drink of her evening beverage. 

Silence has been a paradox to me until recently.  For, the quieter it gets outside, the louder my reasoning rattles inside.  Thus the quieter it gets for everyone else, the noisier it gets for me!  Hence I was compelled to fill that quietness of others with internal quietness for me-speaking. 

Thus I spake.  “Faith means believing that which you cannot see but know to be true.”  This, in my most matter of fact tones.  You see, I knew I was an authority.  I beamed. 

Mom’s silence continued. 

After what seemed an eternity, so, about a minute in Gou-time, she spoke. 

Gouthum, how can you know that which is so everywhere at all times based on what you cannot prove?  I said, “You are supposed to help mom.  I don’t know, that is why I am trying to figure out.” 

The Heartbeat of Existence

Recently in the United States of America, a young student decided to shoot a host of others on the Virginia Tech Campus.  Rather than write a whole essay on the nature of life and death.  I will say a few things and leave you with a classic soul tune which I love.

Everyone lives forever.  When a child is born, it asks, “Where did I come from?”  When its grandfather dies, it asks “Where did he go?”  Unprompted a young human automatically knows that it came from somewhere.  Innately it feels that existence persists.  Some simple correlations help. 

You rarely miss what you have never known, yet a person feels extreme dis-ease when told that her or she will die and feel no more.  Inherently there is something unacceptable about this idea.  You know in your heart that something more exists.

Yet I do not refer to some personification of the universe into some being which pulls marionette strings.  Nor am I talking of some indiscernible force which does the same.  What I reference is the inherent order in the universe that one feels.   

When silent, you will feel this order permeating all of your being.  Please take the time this week to quietly relax without contemplation, meditation, or any such work.  Calmly and peacefully feel the underlying heartbeat of existence.
 

In the deepest darkest suicidal moments of my own life, I have often had difficulty finding this force.  Nonetheless, with practice I can find it anywhere.  Even in excruciating pain the sense is there.  I quiet the mind and body to hear this peace.  With this sentiment, I wish you all love out there.  Not just to
Virginia, but to my military brothers and sisters on both sides of the wars raging on our planet.  To the children and parents starving, and even to the happy people splashing in some warm water somewhere.   

From Earth Wind and Fire, “That’s the Way of the World.”  (Courtesy of You Tube.) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExYa6YTx3cQ  Lyrics:

Hearts of fire creates love desire

Take you high and higher to the world you belong

Hearts of fire creates love desire High and higher to your place on the throne

We’ve come together on this special day

To sing our message loud and clear

Looking back we’ve touched on sorrowful days Future pass, they disappear

You will find peace of mind

If you look way down in your heart and soul

Don’t hesitate ‘cause the world seems cold

Stay young at heart ‘cause you’re never (never, never, ..) old at heart  That’s the way of the world

Plant your flower and you grow a pearl

A child is born with a heart of gold

The way of the world makes his heart so cold 

Maurice White, Charles Stepney & Verdine White 1975.  “That’s the Way of the World” 

We Are All One

Have you ever sat down and tried to figure out what you really are?  Herein I have written that we are consciousness and awareness.  In this top down methodology we discover ourselves from the inside out, a great contrast to a childhood which illuminates us from the outside in.  When children we are forever being reminded that certain objects do not belong to us.  Now we are trying to find our way back to oneness. 

Yet more mileage can be eked out of the socialization process of child-rearing.  If you are the body, what is it made of?  Cells, tissue, water, bones.  What are these made of?  Atoms.  What are atoms made of?  This may surprise you, but their major component consists of space. 

That is correct, if you removed all the space within your atoms in your body, the remaining matter fits into a thimble.  Even for the largest bodybuilder and smallest dwarf.  What separates us from other people?  Space.  When we remove all our space, we are really just one being. 

In fact, NOTHING separates you from the person you imagine as completely independent of you.  How much does space weigh?  The ancients called this weightless “substance” ether.  Or as my friend Derk likes to say, “Space Connects.”  For fun, one can think about how this changes our lives.  If we are really all connected, what is the fun of being separate?  How would we behave differently? 

One thing is for sure, possession of material objects becomes redundant.  Hitting someone sounds utterly ridiculous.  Whereas loving may not.  Would you rather hit or love yourself?  Surprisingly enough, not everyone chooses love.  Sometimes I like to ride myself, such as when I go running.  Other times I like to pamper myself like when I get a massage.  I discipline my son, and other times I caress him. 

Now, love making and worship become more meaningful concepts.  We seek to re-unite ourselves through worship.  Appreciating something as what it is, is a divine oblation to God, or The Universe, whichever you prefer.  When we eat a meal prepared for ourselves we worship it.  When we admire a beautiful object we worship it.  When we love someone as what they are, we worship them. 

Find some worship in your life today.

What is worth dying for, that is worth living for.

On my journey, I discovered that what I felt was worth dying for was worth living for.  Each person has a question that drives them, a burning desire within.  The answer is how you live your life.  My question for as long as I have been conscious is, “What IS.”  What lasts forever?

 

That is all that I have ever sought.  People offer many answers to the child who asks this question.  Most sorely lack in logic, or proof.  Even worse, most people who try to answer do not even live the answer that they give.  Yet find an answer you must.  I found mine within, as you will find yours.

 

What lasts for me is the moment, a moment of sincerity, a moment of rage, a moment of compassion.  When I connect with someone clearly and deeply, I know that I have found that forever.  Once you answer your question, your life shows how you did it.  It is the living proof of all that you know, want, desire or dream of.

 

Find your question, live the answer.

Till Death Do Us Part Or Together Forever?

Today we visit relationships.  Most of them start based on chemistry, the indefinable or Je nais se quoi quality that arises between two individuals attracted to each other.  Yet once this exists couples inevitably encounter difficulties.  Conflict and confusion normally visit all relationships, but they do not have to destroy them.

 

In my experience, communication between members of a long-term relationship is key.  More often than not, this issue divides or unites the couple.  Usually one member has difficulty sharing emotions or, inexperience with communicating.  Also, philosophical differences arise as to what value to place on different feelings.

 

Thus, the partnership experiences a variety of symptoms that do not have to develop into terminal cases.  For example, one member states that feelings are transient and unimportant, but that “love” itself is not.  While the other wants to discuss every tiny variation in the landscape.

 

Another scenario is where one member communicates emotions as facts, and the other as opinions or not at all.  In this case, one seems to value emotions while the other sees them as a condiment to the main course of the relationship itself.  None of these views is right or wrong.  In general the view that is correct, is that a partnership requires agreement on what is non-negotiable and how to resolve conflict.

 

Enter The Vows.

 

Vows are oft misunderstood tools.  For some, they are something that the significant other “makes” him or her do, a formality.  The normal “Till Death Do Us Part” stuff.  To others, they are a commitment of some sort of preconceived ideals.  They can be neither and both.

 

What I recommend, especially with my consulting and organizational background, is that they become modern tools of maintaining a relationship.  I mean, if divorce follows contract law without enforcing its nuances, why not improve the contract?  Some uses of vows:

 

1. A mission and vision statement
2. Non-negotiables
3. Conflict resolution guidelines

 

I have seen great consultants succeed in business, only to fail at marriages.  Their skills were in total and utter demand in the marketplace, they could solve any issue while keeping their teams and clients happy.  These business all-stars were relationship benchwarmers.

 

Many things cause this contradiction.  Some dedicated all of their skills to managing work and had nothing left to guide the family when they returned home.  Others could easily manage professionally as their work was not emotionally important.  When the issue became charged with feelings that they really cared about, they stumbled and became like regular people.  Yet their self-image was that of an all-star.  Compromise often became impossible as they could not imagine that they needed to.

 

Although I can go on and on about relationship dividers, I would like to talk about how vows can be uniters.  But before I do, it is vital that the importance of emotions be addressed.  The greatest logical minds have inspiration before they begin reasoning.  They are inspired to study something by curiousity or because they feel that it will make them happier.  Thus, even the most solidly logical individual has emotions.

 

Relationships teach a person what they feel is important, and what is less so.  They also help individuals to see what works in negotiation and what doesn’t.  I have written my vows as to what I consider vital in my relationships.  What I offer, and what I will accept, and what I would like.  Furthermore, I promise what I am willing to do sustain the relationship.

 

As a result of this work, I now know what I need out of my relationships, what I am willing to do to preserve that, and what I am unwilling to do.  My counterpart knows clearly what she will receive and hopes to give.  When they match, we have possibilities, opportunities, and liberty.  When they collide, we have a meteoric rise and fall.

 

Thank you for sharing this interesting aspect of relationships.  Figure out what you want and are willing to give, and how you can compromise.  This will help all aspects of your daily life, not just long-term romantic relationships, but business and social partnerships as well. 

As You Remain the Same, the World Changes

Several posts ago in “The Perfect Paradox Method of Manifestation,” we discussed seven steps to receive fulfillment in your present life.  Here they are again reprinted:

 

1. Know
2. Think
3. Believe
4. Now
5. Feel
6. See
7. Receive

 

We outlined that one must renounce one’s believed attachments to discern true character, motives, and desires.  Once one knows what that he is, the subject must change thinking to align with that.  Then he must accept, or believe the results found.  This is Phase I.  During Phase II, the individual must feel what they want for themselves, see it in their lives and receive it when it arrives.

 

Since I outlined this process in a previous post, I will not restate the whole thing here.  What I will add are some nuances and clarifications.  This process does not proceed at the same rate for everyone.  Some already know what they are and utilize clear logic to think about it.  While others, they believe and feel it, but take rather than receive.  Not all steps follow a set path.

 

Furthermore, many of us lose sight of one or the other steps during our travels in this world.  Many distractions occur.  We get hurt, or lose something we imagine vital to our existence.  As a result we experience pain or confusion which clouds our reason and perception.  We must engage in the process of personal perfection in an ongoing fashion to ensure fulfillment and peace.  Let us use an example.

 

Let us imagine that I divorced many years ago.  During that time, I rendered my thoughts down to some core aspects.  I know that I am part of the giant universal whole.  I have proved it using logic and case study for a significant period of time.  My thinking no longer describes things in terms of separateness and possession.  What is mine is always mine, or it never was.  So there is no need for such delineation.

 

My beliefs support these facts; I am steady and experience few agitations.  I feel this calmness and see its results in the relationships which develop around me.  Whatever is offered to me, I receive gratefully as it supports what I am.  Harmony infuses my charmed life, the Now is eternal.  But life appears to change.

 

As I grow in steadiness, the world which was once calm becomes more agitated.  The universe always remains in balance.  If one part grows steadier, the other often becomes agitated.  I enter a custody battle for my son; finances grow slim.  My life seems to be empty around me.  Thus I need to engage in the process more.

 

I begin to reason out what this feeling that I have, is.  In the past, I might describe it as fear or anger.  Yet upon examination, I see that it is something else.  It is not loneliness per se, but a desire for sharing of a more solid basis, a more permanent relationship.  Now that I am steady I seek to share my balanced soul with another balanced soul.  In the past we were two unbalanced halves trying to make a balanced whole.  Two unbalanced persons together make an unbalanced couple.

 

This time though, it is two balanced entities.  Relations with my son fulfill part of this need, while I see that the universe is sending me another.  The way I know this is that I have surrendered all attachments to results and I know what I feel in the absence of all stimuli.  When I feel something I can quickly trace where the sensation came from, and what it means to me.  Each person feels things differently.

 

For this reason, when we apply the process to another, it is vital that they grow to understand and see themselves clearly.  Sure, we can give a very clear read as to what is likely coming into their awareness.  But as they become more subtle in their development, it serves them best to enable them to do their own processing.  Another person may experience the same feeling and draw a different conclusion and be equally right.

 

So in summary, the process does not always occur in the same order and its results mean different things.  And as one experiences life he or she must apply different steps at different times.  Finally, because your body changes, your perception of the world around you changes and the process needs to be reapplied as you grow.  Another example may help.

 

When you come into this world, your parents take care of your helpless body.  As you grow, your relationship to them ought to change to maintain the same balance.  You grow stronger, hence they must grow weaker relative to you!  At some stage in your development, you are peers.  And finally, you help them on the way out of this life as they helped you on the way in.

 

Ironically, many adults refuse to recognize their children’s development.  As a result much dysfunction and abuse occurs of both children and the elderly.  These parents always want their children to look to them for advice.  Even when at 80, their advice is generally 40-60 years out of date!  At a certain point, the child must become the leader in the relationship.

 

When viewing the world, you can see this lack of evolution affect us all.  Imagine that a certain group of people were expected to die twenty years ago.  But due to the advances of modern medicine, they lived much longer than expected.  A world with no war was developing.  The Cold War was done, and as the UN reports, we have fewer conflicts on the globe than we have ever had since reports were instituted.

 

Furthermore, mortality rates are lower than they have ever been; the same with malnutrition.  Yet these leaders could not live without war, it was all they had ever known.  So, they start new ones.  They could only function by defining themselves by their opposite.  Remember George W. Bush without Bin Laden.  He was only a sincere man out on the ranch chopping wood.  Then Bin Laden “came” and he became “The War President,” and “The Decider.”

 

To make one thing perfectly clear, I am not advocating any specific political position with respect to a specific policy choice.  What I am advocating is raising children who surpass us in wisdom and patience.  If my son does not surpass me, I have failed miserably.  This is not just in a material sense.  This includes evolution of thought and awareness.  I advocate this without apology.  My way is the foundation for him to develop his own.  Develop your own.